I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize