His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
