I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
