the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she peed on how many people?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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