he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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