You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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