4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
