I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
