I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
