so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
