You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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