these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
