Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
