Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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