Already got asked if we're dating
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
