Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
