hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
