No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
