the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
