Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
