She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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