I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
