god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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