My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
