Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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