I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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