His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize