I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
