Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
