Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Four minutes until I can fart!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Randomize
