I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
