Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
