i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
