Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize