I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
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