we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
