I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Small penises have feelings too.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
