The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
