I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
