I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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