i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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