Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
