Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
