I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
