I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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