i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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