i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
