Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
