if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
