I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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