I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
