textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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