Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
